Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Kathy's birthday.

My charming sister’s Birthday is in a few days. It’s not one of the biggies, just another odd, non-winning number in the mid-life lottery. This event occasionally causes me to take a few moments away from the very important things that I normally do to think about her for a bit.
My sister is older by over two years and I care for her a great deal. Not as much as I once did, but I certainly still like her, everyone does. EVERYONE likes my sister. (Though full disclosure requires I reveal that I only have the opinions of the living to go by.) She is, and always has been sweet, soft-spoken, and quick to giggle or applaud as appropriate, and generally reads good books. She is in fairly good health as I recall, and is married to a wonderful guy who apparently loves her a lot. She is also important and successful, in the halls of academia. She is the Registrar of a very tidy state university in southwestern Kentucky. Once again I say all these things based on the very limited information I have. Like they do with gymnastic scores in the Olympics, I threw out the best and worst things I’ve heard about her and am only commenting on the non-extreme middle-ground. For example I have heard some vicious things from her severely overworked and underpaid secretary, Susan, about Stalin-like despotism, wild and angry snack episodes, spitting, mass firings, and vengeful mutilation of plants, animals and humans. But like I said, I throw out the best and worst, assuming they are merely jealous rants, or girlish over-emotional reactions.
(I also heard from her secretary that my sister is sweet, respectful, professional, and doesn’t really sweat very offensively on the hottest of days. I threw that one out for the obvious reason that my sister probably commanded her to say those things. Susan is a nice lady, but prone to jitters and extreme, opossum-like timidity under pressure.)
My sister is my dad’s only daughter, and it always showed. I shy away from the word ‘princess’ but frankly, that’s exactly what I’m trying to say. I came to be aware of this gross unfairness early on as she got the better slices of cake, the cleaner dishes, and her birthday and Christmas presents were actually store-bought. I adjusted to this inequity though as soon as I had a daughter of my own. For some reason it made perfect sense after that. So I can forgive her for that much.
I know what you are asking at this point, it’s the same thing I’ve been asking myself all day: “But Dennis, how does your sister’s birthday affect YOU?”
I’m Glad we asked.
Kathy is my canary in the mine. As I said, she’s a couple of years older, and from what I’m told, we share some DNA, so like the canary I keep an eye on her to see what falls off or goes sour, what ailments, pains and diseases might arise. This is a very important role for her, one that I hope she does not take lightly. I suppose I could consider my older brother for the same role, but having spent time with him I’m pretty sure we don’t share a whole lot of common building material. Not that there’s anything wrong with Steve, but he’s about as much like me as the old VW’s are like the new ones. Sure, they may be from the same company, but they’re just not the same.
Kathy is also not aging as well as I am. I don’t know if this is a result of the male-female differences or the soft, care-free life and constant pampering she received as a child, but I can look at her and rate myself as ‘probably better by ten or twenty percent’ on any point. That takes a HUGE load off my mind, like comparing your dinner to a poorer family’s rather than the bank presidents’, you just feel better about yourself from the perspective of looking downward.
When she first started losing her youthful appearance, many, many years ago, it was another five to ten years before I deemed myself in that same declining state. Don’t take me wrong, one look at me and you KNOW , using that same ratio, that she can’t be too bad off appearance wise, but face it, we’re not in our twenties anymore, we’ve both got some sagging, and fading, and a bit of extra protection from the cold, but Kathy at one time, was HOT!
I recall when we were in high school and she would have her friend Debbie stay over. It was all I could do to not stare, or faint. I mean Debbie was SUPER-HOT! (probably isn’t now either, but I don’t know for sure) and together, well they caught the ‘attention’ of many, many, many, MANY young 'suitors'. This was the early seventies, tight bell-bottom jeans and bra-less halter tops. Kathy had a red one… It drove dad nuts, it just confused me. Nothing tawdry here, I’m just saying if she weren’t my sister (or if fewer people knew she was) I might even have gone slumming for a bit and hit on her myself.
“But Dennis, are you saying that you were ten to twenty percent hotter?”
I am, of course, much too modest to reply honestly.

Personal to Kathy: I haven’t bought you a card yet, but I did think about it at this morning as I passed the $1 store. If you don’t get one, it’s only because someone forgot to supply me with stamps.
Your adoring brother;
Dennis

5 comments:

  1. I can't believe you remember that red halter top....I was just thinking about it the other day. I think I weighed 95 pounds at the time...and didn't really have anything to fill out the halter anyway. As far as the canary thing, I'm glad to be of some use to you. I would say if you use me as a gauge, you should be through menopause by now. It was relatively uneventful....a few hot flashes....that's all. I'm going to pretend you did not have disparaging remarks about me. I have found that the pretend world is much more fun than the real world...I like it here....

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  2. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your musings on Kathy (I am one of the peons that work in her office) and your side-comments about Susan--I was aloud to take a 3 minute break to read your dialogue & now I must get back to work.

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  3. Dearest SHARTREVHARP;
    I'm glad you enjoyed my frank, insightful, and uber-accurate commentary. Three minutes is hardly time enough to fully grasp the nuances though.. Please put down the oar, stop listening to the drum, gird yourself against the lashings to come, and take more time to really savor the wisdom, the truth and the high art of that which I labored for tens of minutes to produce.
    I apologize for my snarling sister's relentless abuse of those with whom she glares down her nose. May I offer you an alternative? You can make much more money and enjoy much higher job satisfaction dissinfecting shoes at a local bowling alley, or as a ring-toss attendant for a traveling carnival. Why do you sit there (assuming she allows you to sit) and take the abuse? There is sunshine and rainbows in the world, but you will never find them if you are afraid to crawl out from under that forboding, suffocating eclipse that is my sister. Free yourself for the sake of all that is good and pleasant!
    DB

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  4. DB
    I fear I do not have time to adequately respond to your kind & thoughtful response. You are obviously someone who cares & looks for ways to encourage the downtrodden. Thank you for your insightful suggestions--other employment options are, of course, always floating in my mind...teasing my senses and distractin me from the dull glare of my computer screen. You should know that we are allowed to sit *most* of the day, in fact we are FORCED to sit--no running, jumping, skipping, or other such activities (though Kathy does get up & out of her chair at least 100 times an hour--for such things as "meetings", "meetings", and "more meetings"--). You mentioned her secretary, Susan. I am also worried about her--did you know that Kathy has convinced her to join her obsessive, teeth-brushing rituals??

    As for myself, I avoid most contact with Kathy throughout the day...and as far as "freeing myself"--it is the bondage of tuition that keeps me working,day after day. I must sacrifice myself for my husband's degree.

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  5. Out of fear of retribution, I have tried to remain neutral and not enter this heated debate over my boss's managerial techniques. Now that my own hygiene has been discussed, however, I feel I have no choice but to voice my opinion as well. It is true that Kathy possesses a dry and cutting wit of which I often find myself on the receiving end. However, it is you, yourself, Dennis, who has made me an even more frequent target as of late. Kathy likes to sneak up behind me and startle me as often as she can -- to try and provoke what she calls an "opossum-like reaction". Smiling wickedly, she crows over her success each time. I hope you're happy!

    As for my co-worker, she is merely jealous that our boss hasn't also asked her to join The Toothbrush Club. It came to our attention some time back that Kathy has a rather unhealthy obsession with the health of her teeth. I will not divulge details, but I will not shy away from describing her habit as border-line OCD. (I told her this to her face, so don't fear for my well-being.) She argued this prognosis, vigorously extolling the virtues of bright, shiny, clean and fresh teeth. I explained that I, too, would brush my teeth in the afternoon but that I only owned one toothbrush. (You and I have already covered how much money I make, so I'll leave it at that.) The next day, Kathy presented me with a brand spankin' new toothbrush and a cute miniature tube of toothpaste. This wasn't a generic type of toothbrush either. It was approved by the AA of whatever and everything! She smiled encouragingly, making me feel as though I was finally reaching acceptance in her inner circle. Handing them to me, she said, "Join the dark side, Susan."

    I did. I have only used said utensils once so far but I've tried to keep that information hidden from her. I try to smile without showing my teeth so that she won't notice the lack of any sparkle. I think she meant well originally, but I doubt she wants me traipsing back and forth to the restroom to refresh my dental hygiene each afternoon. Perhaps I'm mistaken . . .

    Well, back to the trenches. Have a wonderful weekend!

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