We all get these emails I believe, no not those, the others. You know, someone reads something they find interesting, amusing, or inspirational and forwards it to you and about eleven thousand other people, half of whom will also send it to you.
Often these things are distributed blindly. Many of these ‘viral’ emails contain misattributed works or outright falsehoods. This should not be news to you. I decided to go to snopes.com and check this one. * ( the * indicates a footnote.)
Well, well, well. It turns out that indeed Regina Brett is a columnist for the ‘Plain Dealer’ and she did compile this list. HOWEVER… She’s not ninety, she’s only in her early fifties. That’s right; she’s the same age as me. Which means that I am potentially just as wise as she.
When I said she compiled the list, I chose that word carefully and with some malice. None of these are her original thoughts or words. This infuriates me, and I assume (hope) it bothers her. This is her most popular column ever and she didn’t even write the nut of the thing. She collected a pile of bumper stickers, church signs, Hummel figurines, kitten posters and 'Family Circus' cartoons and found some homilies she liked and then made a list of them. Wow… what a great gig that would be.
Just for grins, I decided to challenge her entire fluffy philosophy, line by line. Below is the article as sent to me, with my commentary added in italics (the slanty letters).
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, in the "The Plain Dealer" newspaper, Cleveland , Ohio :
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 41 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Correction… Life is not ‘good’ it’s just assumed to be better than death … by how much is always debatable.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. What? Step into even more certain uncertainty? I don’t’ think so... Stop, drop and roll! Duck and cover! Retreat! Your next small step may be the last one the lemmings took! ** ( See note below!)
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Unless they really, really deserve to be hated.. then it’s better than candy.(ex's anyone?)
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. You obviously have never met my friends or family. At least my job pays for part of my health insurance.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. The only way I could do that is by paying them off with other loans or credit cards. I’m sorry, but I learned financial management form the government. I just hope I'm deemed too big to fail.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. I disagree, vehemently and so should you, so there.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. Crying isn’t about healing. Only time (and maybe money) heals.. crying only gets you made fun of by other dudes. It also makes your face all red and puffy. That is just not a winning look in my world.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. Gee thanks, NOW you tell me.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. Chocolate is a only a flavor. Easily enough resisted if you just put on your big girl skivvies and act like a responsible grownup.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. I choose to not only make peace with my past; I completely ignore it at every possible opportunity. However my ‘present’ still gets screwed up anyhow. Whats up with that?
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Yet you seem to know 41 secrets that will make my life better… hmm… your hypocrisy (or merely flawed logic) is showing.
12. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. That sort of takes all the fun out of it. What a buzz kill. It also makes me suspect that you’ve never actually had a secret relationship, or you’d know better. I encourage everyone to form some type of secret relationship!
13. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. Even better than just air, take a deep toke on a certain controlled substance, that’ll really put your mind at ease. (so I hear)
14. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. I did, that’s why my family and friends won’t be around to bail me out. Make up your mind.
15. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. No, it just makes you not dead yet. I’ve been near death a few times, and I’m still an overweight, out–of-shape couch potato.
16. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. Happy childhoods are vastly overrated. It’s what you do with whatever shambles were handed you that truly defines your character.
17. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. Unless that thing you love is socially awkward, or even unacceptable, like fondling strangers… I would really, really love to fondle certain strangers… should I take ‘no’ for an answer?
18. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. Today? Not so special, I’ve got a headache.
19. Over prepare, then go with the flow. This is silly, going with the flow completely negates the need for preparing and planning. I say, why expend the frontend effort?
20. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. You don’t remember the seventies do you… ‘Purple’ was quite the thing…
21. The most important sex organ is the brain. But even that organ tends to be premature or hopelessly flaccid a lot more than it once was.
22. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. Never, ever, ever put me in charge of anyone’s happiness, especially my own.
23. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?". I said that very thing during Hurricane Katrina, and my first marriage… turns out that the answer is quite often ‘Yes”
24. Always choose life. Unless you are buying food. Dead food tends to take a lot less preparation.
25. Forgive everyone everything. But forget nothing…
26. What other people think of you is none of your business. "I think you are a lazy, incompetent idiot…So you’re fired." Hmmm, maybe sometimes it IS your business.
27. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. Just ask any lawyer, it isn’t always TIME that heals best … quite often large sums of money work just as well.
28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Or not… If all things change then surely the validity of this statement will as well.
29. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. You’re kidding right?
30. Believe in miracles. Miracles are like luck, there’s no real harm in believing in or hoping for such things, just don’t count on them.
31. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. Don’t take stock of your life? Wow, who’s the underachiever now?
32. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.... I don’t think you are qualified to make that assertion. I’d like to actually hear from some dead people, old and young as to which is preferable.
33. Your children get only one childhood. And they only get one liver, stomach, brain and nose as well. I’m not sure of your point.
34. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. Really? Living in a box on a cold street corner addicted to crystal meth doesn’t really matter in the end? Your crimes against humanity don’t matter in the end as long as you loved?
35. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. But only outdoors?
36. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. Not on your life. I’ve really, REALLY boofed the pooch a few times…
37. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. Wanting something we don’t have is exactly how we evolved into the fine creatures we are. We are born completely helpless and must rely on others for everything. The shrill cry of a hungry baby is completely selfish. It demands unashamed and unapologetically to be fed and tended to. Is this form of envy a waste of time? No, it’s how we survive and thrive. To stop reaching for more, to stop wanting more or better is to settle for who, what, and where we are as the best it can possibly be for ourselves. H.G Wells described people like this. They were called the Eloi in his book: 'The Time Machine'. ***
38. The best is yet to come. Man, I certainly hope so…It's been a real all-uphill roller coaster ride so far..
39. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. Unless of course you feel like you have H1N1… then please, please stay in bed.
40. Yield. You are saying do not lead, do not set goals, do not strive for your own better wants and needs, let everyone else go first? Really?
41. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.. Life is not a gift, it’s a result. Your parents… well you know what they did.. and you were the result. They didn’t even know what you would turn out to be. And yes, sometimes life isn’t pretty.. duh. It took this lady 90 (53) years to come up with that nugget of wisdom? Man, I 'm way ahead of her on that curve...
Feel free to email this article this to eleven thousand people.
Footnotes!
* http://www.snopes.com/glurge/lifelessons.asp
** Lemmings do not actually commit mass suicide.
http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/lemmings.asp
*** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Time_Machine
There, I’ve beaten her word count, used original thoughts, conducted actual research, included references and footnotes. I’ll sit back now and wait for MY Pulitzer.
it kills me to do so but jeez i kinda have to agree with you on all the slanty letter comments....ouch..it hurts bad...falling to the floor now
ReplyDeletemk