Yours Truly, Esquire.

"I know the name of Turkey’s leading avant-garde publication. I know that Bud Abbott was a double-crosser and John Quincy Adams married for money. I know that there’s a heated controversy over who invented the accordian. I know that dwarves have prominent buttocks."

AJ Jacobs, 'The Know-It-All'

Entire Excerpt. 

A year or three back, I was listening to NPR during my grueling afternoon commute. They were interviewing AJ Jacobs, the author of, among other things, a book "The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World"  

I was intrigued because it was described as a journal, a series of personal essays describing the days in the life of a man who had tasked himself with reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, all 32 volumes, in one year. That would be quite a tedious feat by itself, but he also wanted to learn and utilize this treasure trove of information.

I ordered the book and read it. Loved it.

One thing immediately dawned on me. His style, humorous, but not slapstick, short essays on rather mundane events, self deprecating humor, himself as both hero and foil, intellectual and idiot. . .

It all sounded very familiar, not unlike this modest entry, or my own ongoing EatandCritique blog.

Not that I consider myself as competent as he, nor as funny, nor as sophisticated or smart. After all, he attended an Ivy League school. But the style and pacing, dare I say rhythm, of his prose seemed quite cozy.

So I did what I do whenever I find any author I like, I 'followed' him on Facebook. He's not a spammer, he posts things only once or twice per week or so.

Since 2013, as an 'Editor at Large' for the magazine, he has been writing a weekly column for 'Esquire', yes, THAT Esquire Magazine, called "My Huddled Masses" wherein he solicits his 100,000+ Facebook followers to offer up questions and solutions on relationship and etiquette problems, a la Dear Abby. (This is called crowdsourcing)

So each week he posts on FB a general topic, and asks for submissions from us, his followers.

I have submitted a few terse, harsh, and even idiotic 'solutions' to some of the queries, such as '. . . grow a pair, princess, he's just your first husband." I don't think he ever picked any of those up.

However, a couple of weeks back, he asked for etiquette situations and questions and I was in a certain mood, so I thought about my day and submitted, via the comments, a question about elevators. Something like; how near a person approaching the elevator should be before being waited for/held for, or left behind. (I'll leave the entire question for later)

I was sort of serious about this.
I have to go up and down an elevator several times, every working day. Sometimes I'll step into the elevator and immediately push the floor button, the door closes almost instantly behind me.

If I am in one of my very rare, sociably aware moods, I'll turn around and see if anyone else is approaching.

There's a lobby, about a twenty foot gap, between the elevator to the two front doors.

The front doors are transparent glass, I can even see all the way out to the parking lot.

Added levels of difficulty that I did not mention in my submission:

It is only a three-story building.

There are two elevators, side by side.

They are usually, even first thing in the morning, not very busy. Seldom is there more than one or two people waiting for them at a time.

Anyway, that was the premise for my question. Half serious, half tongue-in-cheek.
   Recently Mr. Jacobs announced to the followers that my question should be the one featured in an upcoming 'My Huddled Masses' column. 

It also said that those followers that did not want their personal information published should email him at one of his many email addresses. (I assume this is not his only email address, even a novice like me spreads things over several spam-boxes).

This is what I told him:
Mr. Jacobs;

Thank you very much for choosing my silly little suggestion for your highly esteemed Esquire column. I surely count this among my greatest achievements so far this week. (I'm still holding out hopes for a 'safety tip' contest at work, if I win that I get a small blanket with an actual company logo on it!)

You said that we should let you know if we, the 'winners', would like to remain anonymous. Hmm, what's the exact opposite of that?

So please, go ahead and blurt it all out... .I can even supply some tawdry photos if you're readers are into that sort of thing.....
Seriously, go right ahead, I am truly flattered.

A fan;

Yeah, I took a risk, trying to be funny with a professional, but if you ever read his stuff, you'd know that he'd probably get it and be okay with it.

To my honest surprise, he responded within a half hour:
Ha! Excellent. I will then include your name. And my apologies for Americanizing it! If you want, I can de-Americanize it. 

AJ 

I suppose I should explain that 'Americanization' stuff.

In the original submission, instead of the word 'elevator' I used 'lift', you know, like the Brits say it.

I wrote back:

Mr.Jacobs;
What kind of editor are you? Giving me options?
I'd almost forgotten about the 'lift' thing. I'm also prone to writing things like 'apologise', and 'bloody hell' when trying to sound more refined and worldly to strangers. It helps me hide from my backwoods, southern upbringing. I hail from hill people.
Whatever works for you and your readers.
And again, thanks!

This is all weird, in more ways than one. I don't recall that I've ever even thumbed through a printed Esquire Magazine. Here's the reason why, as the publication describes itself:
"Guide for men who want to live a fuller, richer, more informed and rewarding life. Style, manners, money, culture, and cuisine."

If you know me, like many of you do, you will instantly recognize that none, I repeat, none of those things apply, or are very important, to me. i.e:

My last three pairs of shoes I bought from Penney's, online, from the 'clearance' section.

My casual work pants? $10.99 at Walmart.

The last, and pretty much only fashion tips I've ever followed (aside from Air Force Regulation 35-10, 'Dress and personal appearance'.) were as follows:

1. About ten years ago, a fashion conscious lady at work (NAVAIR) named Melissa, told me that my belt should always match my shoes. Done.

2. Clinton Kelly, (TLC's 'What Not To Wear') Said on one episode that men with 'middle aged mid-sections' should not wear pleated pants. Done. I haven't owned a pair since I heard that.

Outside of that, I have no fashion sense, or worries, or interests.

I still get a cheap haircut very similar to that allowed in AFR 35-10.

And you all well know about my 'cuisine', not exactly upscale. More like a low-level bureaucrat or a loading dock laborer than a gourmet or upper-crust gadabout.

As for living a richer, fuller and more rewarding life? I'm married to Angel and have a houseful of dogs. Jackpot!

So, sometime soon, I will be mentioned, by name, in Esquire Magazine. . .

Which is even a little better than the time I was mentioned in the Washington Post  as an unknown source.

Didn't I tell you this story?

 A few years ago, when we lived in Southern Maryland, Angel was heading to the gulf coast to rescue dogs after Katrina. Her group was pretty low key about it, but I thought it a big deal… So I sent an email to a Washington Post reporter (We lived a mere hour away from D.C., so it was also the 'local' paper) who occasionally did some canine interest stories… I sent her the who's, what's and when's but made it clear that I was not an official spokesperson for the mostly Humane Society of Calvert County group, merely a volunteer, and if she wanted more details or to confirm, she should contact them, etc….

         I still  have the clipping of the article that popped up a few days later in the Post… it pretty much listed most of the details I had sent, and it tagged me in the article with 'According to a Volunteer'  So yeah, I am an unnamed source for the Washington Post. 

(So was 'Deep Throat' back during that Nixon/Watergate thing. Cool, huh?)

Now I am  a named contributor to Esquire Magazine.

Jealous yet?

Here's the link:

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/news/huddled-masses-elevator-etiquette?click=promo

The price of autographs is now, officially, going up.